Saturday, September 28, 2013

How to Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin


Oftentimes when we talk to people - when we try to meet women (or ladies trying to meet men) - we feel like we're pretending to be somebody else. I think that this develops naturally as we grow older. We develop different personae for ourselves: We have a work persona, a persona for our close friends, a persona for our acquaintances, a persona for strangers. It can feel a little schizophrenic that we have all these different personalities that we've developed for different avenues. In all those personalities we don't really feel like we're being ourselves (except maybe with our really close friends).

It can be difficult to break down those habits and to acknowledge the fact that these people you're pretending to be are not really you. Let me give some examples. I enjoy playing tabletop games: Roleplaying, board games, etc. Some might think it's really nerdy, but I love talking about that stuff with everybody - women or other people. If that conversation comes up, I talk about it passionately. I'm not shy or embarrassed about it. I talk about it with excitement and with confidence. I make direct eye contact and I show clearly that it's something that's important to me that I enjoy. When I talk about one of my hobbies - like tabletop gaming - the person who's listening can't help but feel and share in that passion. It makes them feel more connected to me. Also they feel more comfortable talking about their passions, something they wouldn't normally reveal because they feel it's too personal or they didn't think I'd be into their unique hobby or interest.

I talk about this to women too. A lot of guys feel that women don't want to know about their weird hobbies or dorky love of comic books or anime. But as long as you talk about it passionately with excitement and confidence, she's going to be attracted to you because you're a person with passions and things that matter to you. I've had plenty of women participate or watch me play tabletops games and we always have a lot of fun. When I talk about it I emphasize how it's really cool to connect with a group of people with a shared passion and to have a creative outlet. I express it in a way that explains all the positives that I get out of my hobby. In that way she can appreciate it more. Then they feel more comfortable talking about the things they enjoy, rather than putting on a persona when talking to someone they're not that comfortable with.

In terms of being comfortable in your own skin, you can't be embarrassed or shy about the things that matter to you. You want to express them comfortably, confidently, and without embarrassment. Maybe some people won't be able to understand or won't be able to appreciate that. That's OK. Those are people that maybe don't have a place in your life. It's important to be able to tell if the person you're speaking with and that you could potentially have a friendship or relationship with is somebody who clicks with you. Personally I find that most people that I talk to, when I express myself genuinely and passionately and confidently, they accept it and in fact may develop an interest in it. Because if I'm talking about something I'm interested in, and I express all the awesome and exciting parts about it, it makes them think, "oh that sounds really cool; maybe I want to explore this."

This can be true of anything: A sport, an artistic thing, any kind of hobby. Don't hide those things. They're what make you interesting. So when you meet someone - maybe for guys who struggle to talk with women - talk about what makes you excited. Talk about what DRIVES you. Don't fall on the boring banalities: Hi, what's your name, where are you from. Those are really boring. I'm sitting in a bar and there's a woman next to me, and you know how sometimes bars will be playing random movies in the background. Last time I was in a bar they were playing "Neverending Story", so I just started talking about that with the women I was with. We had a hilarious conversation about it. It's a kids' movie, but so what. I love Lion King and Aladdin and all those adorable movies, and I can recite lines. I used to be a kid and I used to love those movies. And I still do. That's not something for me to be embarrassed about. If I talk about my love of Disney movies, I'm 95% guaranteed that the woman I'm talking with is going to say, "Oh my God I love that movie too!" That's an instant easy connection.

That's something you can bring up at any point. If you're talking to a new woman, there's something about her that will remind you of something like that. Maybe she's got an article of clothing that reminds you of an animal from a movie and you can talk about that. Then it will segway to all the things you liked as a kid, things you like now, and it just builds naturally. You shouldn't feel embarrassed about the kinds of things that pop in your head. Just express them, and if you click, fantastic. If you don't click, that's good to know too. You don't want to waste a lot of time trying to meet a woman who you don't get along with. The sooner you genuinely unleash yourself, the sooner you tell them what you're about - your passions, hobbies, interests, and all the things that drive you - the sooner you'll know whether you and this person click or not.

That saves you a lot of time, and lets you feel more comfortable. It lets you enjoy those connections with people, because you have a conversation that matters to you, that you're excited about, and into. Then they can share their passions, and very soon you're having an actual intimate conversation. This is a great way to meet people: Just really talking about the things that drive you and that you're passionate about. Next time you're talking to someone, a stranger, and you're struggling to connect (you're talking about the weather or something really boring), look around, look at them, see if something in your surroundings (maybe something they say or something they're wearing) reminds you of something. As soon as it does just say, "hey, that reminds me of something kinda dorky, but I want to tell you about it, because it's something cool for me." Try it.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

For young people struggling to find their mission


Today's video is aimed towards young people who aren't feeling entirely fulfilled in their lives. These could be guys who have just gotten out of college and aren't sure what direction their lives are going. These could be people who are struggling to find some sort of career or direction or they're living with their parents. These could be folks who are still in college and aren't sure what's going to happen afterwards. Basically any one of you who is at a transitional point of your life. You're not really sure where youre life is going to go and you're struggling to find purpose and fulfillment in your life.

I know usually I talk about relationships and how to meet women, but I think it's important to talk about the reasons why guys pursue skills in meeting women. Often times it's because they're not feeling entirely fulfilled in their lives, and they feel that meeting women will give them a purpose and direction. It gives them attention and validation and helps them ignore the fact that they're not entirely fulfilled in their lives. But spending time with women, having sex , going out drinking with your friends: It's fun, but at the end of the day you'll still feel that there's something lacking. So that in itself is not the solution.

While you're still trying to figure out what your career might be, there's a lot of other ways to give yourself meaning in your life. What you need is a MISSION. Most people think the mission in life is their job and their family, but that's very basic and not even what we're all necessarily looking for. A mission is what gives you meaning, what you find important, what you give back to the world, your purpose in life. Most of us go to school, go to college, get a job, get a family, and we just go through what we're raised to believe is our function in life. We never really analyze it. We never think about what we want for ourselves.
If you're in that transitional period, where you're not sure where your life's going to go, you may be feeling unsatisfied with your life. You're thinking once I get that job or meet that special person, everything will be fine. But that's not necessarily the case, and who knows how long that will take. A mission can be a hobby: Maybe you enjoy creating art or music (I do photography) and you put out something that brings joy to other people. That can be a valuable mission; it's valuable for me.

A mission can be teaching. I'm a volunteer martial arts instructor; I've been doing that for over ten years. That gives me a great deal of fulfillment, and in terms of validation it gives me a large group of people who respect and appreciation me. It helps me feel fulfilled. For example if I meet women, since I have a large group of people who give me that validation, I don't require it from the women I meet. That's an important fact. If you're pursuing women because you don't have any real goals in life and you feel the woman will fill that void, it will put a lot of strain on the relationship. When you have that many expectations of one person, they're going to feel it. It's going to put a lot of strain because you expect all these things, you expect all your attention and validation to come from this one person. Everything you do is going to be wrapped up in this one person, and that's a quick recipe for a relationship that goes down hill. There'll be a lot of jealousy, resentment, and anger.

If you have a mission in life, a purpose, hobbies, friends, a community and you meet someone, you bring them into your life: a life that's already fulfilling. The way to do that is to start exploring yourself. When you're just out of college, or still in school, or living with your parents, or working a part time job, you have free time to explore yourself. Don't waste it watching TV or play video games and wishing something will fall in your lap. Instead, try different things, try everything. Try learning an instrument, try taking a class, try joining a group. Explore your community and surroundings. Reach out to everyone you know and see what they're involved in.

Your mission in life isn't just your job or person who lives in your house. Your purpose can be anything, but the only way you're going to find it is by exploring yourself, really examining yourself, and trying a lot of different things. Some of the things you try you won't be into. That's OK. You're going to expand yourself and develop a lot of new skills. You'll discover what's valuable for you. The point is that even if you're struggling to find a job or career, that doesn't mean you can't use your energy to explore a lot of different paths and avenues. Who knows, one of those hobbies or interests might turn into a career in the future. But even if it doesn't, it'll still give you a lot of fulfillment and purpose. Then when you meet people, women, you'll be able to bring them into an exciting life. You'll be an interesting person, you'll have a lot of motivations, you'll have a lot of purpose, you'll have a mission in life. That's attractive.  That makes people want to be in your life, rather than being desperate and looking for somebody to fill a gap inside of you. You'll be bringing them to a rich fulfilling life, and that will bring them joy and bring you joy.

For you young people who are struggling, keep that in mind. Explore yourself, try a lot of different things, meet a lot of people. Don't get mired, don't get frustrated. Keep pushing yourself. Use all your opportunities and avenues. When you're young, it may not feel like it, but you have a lot of potential, opportunity, and energy. Take advantage of that.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Keeping Relationships Passionate


Part 1, about keeping relationships from getting boring and complacent.

Part 2, where I talk about how to keep women attracted to you in a relationship and how to keep things exciting. Part 3 coming soon.

Compliment her on more than looks

How to compliment women on something beyond just their looks, and other tips to make her feel better connected with you.

Don't lose women by being needy

Some lessons I learned from a girlfriend about how neediness kills attraction.

How to gauge her attraction for you

If you're getting frustrated approaching women who don't seem interested in you, here's some advice on how to look for signs that she's attracted to you, and how to capitalize on that.

Don't break tension

How to create and maintain tension. Tension is one key to building attraction.

Get appreciation by showing appreciation

What to do when you feel like someone doesn't "get" you.

Make her feel special

Make a woman feel special when she's with you and she'll keep coming back!

Go for the kiss!

Lessons I got after talking to my friend who went on a date with a guy who simply would not kiss her!!

Let her be generous

Women like to do nice things for the men they're with. Let them!

Approaching women


I talk about getting over your fear of meeting women. I also relate a couple of embarrassing anecdotes, just to show that it's no big deal.

Love is not ownership



My first video. I talk about what love is, and what love is not.