Connecting

This post is about connecting with women whether it's during an approach or in a relationship, and can be used with friends as well (guys or girls). This is a difficult skill to master for guys, and was for me, due to our logical nature and our preference to see things in an analytical, black-and-white manner. Connecting with another person is about relating to them on an emotional level, and having a discussion where what matters is the emotional content behind the words, rather than the exact words themselves. We are all unique individuals, with unique experiences. You will never be able to EXACTLY understand where a person is coming from, but we are all human, and a lot of our feelings and experiences are very similar. Oftentimes when you try to connect with someone, they may at first feel like you're talking about something different, or that you don't REALLY get them. You have to be willing to speak with humility and the admission that you will never truly understand their unique situation, BUT you must also speak with leadership and authority, stating that you DO appreciate what they're going through and that you can closely relate (being a fellow human being).

There are several "techniques" to connecting. The first and easiest one is just to listen, but to do so without judgment. You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to not judge someone. For example, I consider myself emotionally balanced, so it can be hard for me to listen to someone who suffers from depression or a similar ailment without having the urge to say "just suck it up." I have a lot of things I can offer up to them by way of advice or solutions, but frankly that's an egotistical urge on my part. My desire to be right and to fix things; to be logical. But that's not what they need. Listening is about accepting that what they're saying is important to THEM, regardless of how you feel about it or whether it even makes sense to you.

But don't mistake this for agreement. You don't have to agree with them. A lot of guys, when listening to a woman, make the mistake of nodding their heads like a bobble doll, pretending that everything she says makes perfect sense. It won't and it doesn't have to. It's even OK to tease her or to laugh (calibrated of course). The important thing you're doing is giving her a venue to express herself. Most people are stuck in their own heads and don't like to listen to others, so if she feels you're genuinely interested and focused on her, it will drastically set you apart from most other guys. Of course, if this is a woman you just met, you don't want to listen to her whine about her annoying neighbors. She hasn't earned that from you. But further below I'll discuss how to segue these discussions into more meaningful areas that move your connection forward.

The next valuable tactic is to be able to talk about YOUR feelings. I typically do this by telling a story. For example if a woman is talking about some problem she has with a friend, I will tell a story about a friend that I took issue with. The stories won't be the same; they may be totally different situations. That's why you have to tell the story in an emotional way. The facts of the story don't matter. What matters is how you felt in the situation and how you dealt with those feelings. You want to relate to her story on an emotional level. If she feels hurt by a friend, then you tell a story where you were hurt by a friend, even if the situations are very different. But the key part where the connection happens is where you sympathize with her and her feelings. "I know that your situation is unique, but I know what it's like to be let down. You put your trust in someone and they abuse it. But ya know, I realized that my friend didn't really do it on purpose. And I've hurt lots of people myself. Sometimes I just have to take a step back and realize that we all suck equally *laugh*, and that it's OK. For example I may accidentally hurt you, but I would care about how you feel and would hope you'd see past the surface BS. Because that's what it is; just fluff. What matters is in here *self point*." I hope you can see in in this particular example how I'm directing the conversation where I'm setting up a relationship situation.

And that brings me to my next point. These connections shouldn't just be open-ended bitchfests. They should have a direction and a purpose. If it's a friend, you may be trying to teach them something or to help them feel better. If it's a girlfriend, you may be trying to help her past the problem so you can get back to a positive place quickly (rather than ignoring her and letting her be upset the whole time you're with her). If it's a woman you've just met, this is a good opportunity to not only feel like she connects with you on a deeper level, but to let her know what kind of man you are and to build compliance on her part. But in all of these cases, you can't throw the purpose in their face in a logical way, "yeah, everyone suffers, just get over it." Neither can you be too direct about the purpose, "yeah your friend sucks, but I would never do that," (= qualifying). You have to talk about how you FEEL, and express your point indirectly by way of those feelings. If it's a new woman you're talking to, she should be able to get an impression of how you are by how you express yourself, rather than from overt statements you make.

The connection goes both ways. Meaning when you tell something about yourself or a story about you, it should be something you care about and that you had thought about. Don't bring something up with the specific purpose of illiciting values. It should be a somewhat cathartic experience for you, and she (or he) should feel that as you talk. However, try to do so in a positive way, portraying it as something you experienced, learned from, and moved on. Because if it sounds like you're still suffering, it won't help a friend feel better (unless they're a truly miserable person; but you shouldn't be friends with those) and it won't build attraction with a woman if she feels like you have baggage (again, unless she's very LSE; next). This is your chance to inspire the individual you're talking to, and to also move the conversation in a meaningful and positive direction. As you can see by my parenthesized items, this also is a good way to screen the individual. Do they respond to negativity or positivity?

You have to calibrate and scale your level of sharing. Typically I start by listening and sympathizing, then gradually I increase how much I talk. If I do it right and and express the emotions that they're feeling, they'll feel like I "get it". Plus, the more I talk, the more I can guide the conversation where I want it to go. With a PU situation, I can turn into a DHV story or a joke or an opportunity to KINO or whatever (all 3!). With a friend I can turn into a learning moment to help them move past there own issue. With a girlfriend, they'll cry and then they'll feel good. And this is the hardest part of making a connection in a seduction/relationship context. You ultimately want to be the leader, while still being empathetic and expressive. That's a tough line to walk. It means that you have to be more in control of your own feelings. It means you've ALREADY thought about all your personal demons and accepted them or even conquered them.

It starts by understanding yourself. Exploring every single aspect of your personality and your life. Too often we like to ignore things and hope they just go away. For example if we accidentally hurt a friend, we don't want to think about it. We might throw up a couple of stupid defense mechanisms like "it just happened" or "they had it coming" or whatever. But that doesn't help you feel better. And there's no way you can tell that story later without either sounding like a jerk or just sounding like someone who doesn't deal with their issues. You have to do the hard work of facing painful events in your life and choices you've made and coming to some kind of closure. It's OK that you hurt someone, we all do it. And once you accept it and learn from it, you can connect with someone who hasn't yet resolved that issue within themselves. You can talk from a place of authority and demonstrate to them that it is possible to move to a positive place from a negative experience.

As guys, when we talk with women, we often shy away from negative talk. Most PU tactics involve "fluffing away" this kind of stuff, or bulldozing through it, or making a joke about it, or just escalating to overwhelm her emotions with horniness. And there's nothing wrong with this. I'm NOT saying you should encourage everyone to get deep with you. But neither should you be scared about it. Embrace the opportunity to really connect with an individual if the opportunity arises. And with a woman you've just met, if you do get that opportunity, you can establish a powerful attraction on her part. Of course just like with any other aspect of game, there's a lot of trial and error involved. If you're not used to it, you'll fuck it up at first. Either by listening too much (being a doormat), or by talking too much, or being unable to lead the conversation into a meaningful place, etc. But with practice, you'll become a natural at expressing your feelings and appreciating them in others.

And in the end, it all comes down to helping YOU become a better you. Because we all have baggage and demons hanging over us. And no matter how many women you fuck and how much you go to the gym, or how busy you keep yourself, they won't just go away. You can bury them, cover them up with defensive mechanism (like narcissism or passive aggressiveness or codependency or whatever) but they will always be there unless you let them out into the open and battle them and defeat them. But that's what it means to be a man, to fight the demons and kill them. And then show off that carcass to others to show that it's possible to defeat it. Emotions and feelings aren't exclusively in the domain of women. If anything, you have to learn to have BETTER control over emotions than most women, if you plan on being a masculine man and a leader of people. Fight those fights and learn to win.