Wednesday, October 15, 2014

The Rules

I just finished up a video series on what I call "The Rules". These are rules that I have written and revised based on my personal relationship experience, research, and studying other successful men who have great relationships with women. I'm not interested in spreading out these videos for the sake of traffic or "hits". They're all below, one after another, for you to consume at your leisure. Just think of it like a Netflix TV show ;) All of the "episodes" are dumped on you at once. So without further ado, here they are.

Introduction and Rule 1

Rule 2

Rules 3 through 5

Rule 6

Rule 7

Rules 8 and 9

Final notes and general guidelines on having awesome relationships (don't skip this vid; it's not just a summary).

Also, for your reference, here's my latest version of the rules that I wrote:

The Rules

0.) I revoke rule zero. After years of doing this, when I break the rules it STILL fucks me up. There's just never a good reason for it.

1.) Time spent together
FB - Once a week.
MLTR - Once a week. Maybe occasionally twice. If you're seeing her any more often, then you're either not serious about being polyamorous or you have far too much free time. Invest in yourself.
LTR - However often you want, but make sure you dedicate plenty of time to yourself! Have activities that let you interact with other women. Don't let your LTR be your only source of affection/validation.

2.) Communication
FB - Sex ONLY. Ideally you want her initiating most of the time. If you find yourself chasing her too much, Next her.
MLTR - You should communicate a little less often than she does, but don't get in a habit of ignoring her too often (unless you Next her). DO cut off threads of conversation that go on too long or enter into LTR territory. If she doesn't get the hint, zero radio silence for a couple days. Reconnect like nothing's wrong.
LTR - However often but make sure there are times when you are unreachable (because of hobbies/work).

3.) Sharing personal info
FB - Don't answer personal questions, except where they effect her directly (STDs etc.). She is not your girlfriend!
MLTR - When sharing personal info, do it in small doses. Always leave her hungering for more.
LTR - Make sure you're constantly developing yourself, so that there's always something new to share with her. Avoid being held accountable for every aspect of your life.

4.) Don't talk about the other women you're fucking, except abstractly or via rich descriptions. No matter how cool she seems to be about polyamory, don't talk about who else you're fucking (unless it's a sexual fetish for her).

5.) Non-sex time
FB - Don't hang out with her outside of the bedroom. If you run into her, treat her like you would any other woman. Onlookers should not be able to tell that you're fucking her. No dates!
MLTR - A "date" counts as time spent together, as pertains to rule 1. Most dates should end in sex. If she withdraws sex (for no good reason), Next her for at least a week. If she does it again, Next permanently.
LTR - Make sure you keep fucking her regularly and often. If EITHER of you reduces the sex, Next her.

6.) Frame - Maintain the same frame as when you met her. Every time you change your frame because of her, you are giving away your power. If you develop one-itis, Next and GFTOW. Here are some example frames:

FB: "I'm a badboy who loves sex. The ONLY guarantee you'll get from me is tons of hot orgasms."
MLTR: "I love women. They are amazing creatures. When I'm with you, I'm with YOU. As long as you treat me well I will be very generous. But if you EVER take me for granted or give me any bullshit, I will move on. I will only be with you as long as it's immensely positive for BOTH OF US."
LTR: "I am the captain of this ship. I have a mission in life, and have chosen for you to be the woman to support me. In exchange I promise our lives together will be amazing. You know as well as I do that I can easily meet an equally wonderful woman who'd enjoy this adventure with me, so you'll have to prove to me every day that you are worth it. As long as that's the case I will never take you for granted and I will perform my manly duty to the fullest."

Notice how each frame is incompatible with certain types of relationships. One, HAVE a frame. Two, STICK to it.

7.) Monogamy
FB - If she asks for monogamy, Next her. Do NOT upgrade to MLTR in this case; it is a steep and slippery slope.
MLTR - If she demands monogamy, Next her. If she talks about it abstractly, deal with like you would a shit test.
LTR - Monogamy must be clearly stated. Hold one another accountable for the rules that are in place. This means that if you fuck up and she calls you on it, you have to THANK her for it. Any other reaction (arguing) will cause you to lose power and will hurt the relationship.

8.) Fuck her good and hard. Hot sex is the most vital aspect of ANY relationship with a woman. Many problems stem from lack of sex, and can be resolved by good sex.

9.) Make sure she's holding up her end of the relationship. "Put her to do things for you" (cr. Franco). Make sure she's investing at least as much into it as you do, preferably more. If she ever drops the ball, next her.

When selecting women:

Sex drive - If her sex drive is low, do NOT get into MLTR or LTR. FB is ok if you can accept seeing her only once or twice a month.

Self esteem - if her self esteem is anything other than high, do NOT get into an MLTR or LTR. FB is ok if you can deal with her emotions.

Freaks are only suitable for FB. Materialistas (gold diggers) are OK for MLTR as long as she knows you will never become her sugar daddy (ie. she fucks you while dating other rich guys).

These characteristics take a while to screen, so START at an FB relationship and slowly upgrade your way to whatever level you're ultimately looking for. DECIDE AHEAD OF TIME WHAT YOU WANT.

If you're dating a woman who has a boyfriend and she Nexts him, downgrade or Next her immediately. She WILL try to have you fill his spot. Other than that, boyfriends don't matter at all. Married women should only be FBs.

In a relationship:

- Have zero expectations of her. If you EVER feel disappointed, it's because of your expectations. If she doesn't hold up her end of the relationship, you don't get upset; you punish her or Next her.
- Always remain positive. You can have bad moods, but don't let her see them. Your duty is to LEAD the relationship in a positive direction. Her job is to support you (via sex, cooking, etc.), NOT to coddle your shitty emotions. If you need to unwind, get a beer with some guy friends. Never ever act out of spite!! If you feel the desire to spite her, ADMIT to it and then talk about it, then return to a positive place.
- Don't react emotionally. This means don't argue when you're angry. It also means not to make hasty decisions because you feel happy (eg. upgrading her for free after a mind-blowing sex session). Be aware of your emotions; don't ignore them or block them out. Share your positive emotions with her (via laughter, touching, genuine compliments, etc.).
- Always be busy with things you enjoy and that matter to you. You love your life and are choosing to allow her a place in it. Her being with you should ENRICH her.
- Always lead. It's OK to ask for or accept her suggestions. Don't get lazy or complacent. Be the one to make difficult relationship choices. It's OK to delegate decision-making power to her in certain areas (like cooking). But she should always know that you're ultimately in charge.
- Do not be fearful. Don't cling to her out of a fear of loss. Don't make poor decisions because of fear. If you ever recognize that you feel afraid, FORCE yourself to confront it (this may mean nexting her). Do NOT be afraid of communication. Always talk open and honestly with her, even if it may mean losing her.
- Realize that at any moment you may lose her. The relationship should always be positive for the both of you. If it's not then Next her. This doesn't mean being emotionally detached. It means cherish every moment that you are with her and make sure she feels that.
- Don't look for her validation. Make sure you have enough priorities and friends in your life that you feel validated. Give HER validation. If you do this right, she will become addicted to it, and you can punish her simply by removing affection. This is far more effective than arguing, which actually rewards her.

The rules can seem heavy-handed. But if you look at many if not most relationships, they are full of drama and negativity. It is your duty as the man to make your relationships incredible. A woman will naturally test you. That is her nature! Embrace your masculinity and let it drive you to ever better relationships and an ever happier life. Embrace femininity, for if you weren't totally addicted to the beautiful and intoxicating creatures that women are, you wouldn't be on this journey in the first place.

Thursday, October 9, 2014


This post is about connecting with women whether it's during an approach or in a relationship, and can be used with friends as well (guys or girls). This is a difficult skill to master for guys, and was for me, due to our logical nature and our preference to see things in an analytical, black-and-white manner. Connecting with another person is about relating to them on an emotional level, and having a discussion where what matters is the emotional content behind the words, rather than the exact words themselves. We are all unique individuals, with unique experiences. You will never be able to EXACTLY understand where a person is coming from, but we are all human, and a lot of our feelings and experiences are very similar. Oftentimes when you try to connect with someone, they may at first feel like you're talking about something different, or that you don't REALLY get them. You have to be willing to speak with humility and the admission that you will never truly understand their unique situation, BUT you must also speak with leadership and authority, stating that you DO appreciate what they're going through and that you can closely relate (being a fellow human being).

There are several "techniques" to connecting. The first and easiest one is just to listen, but to do so without judgment. You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to not judge someone. For example, I consider myself emotionally balanced, so it can be hard for me to listen to someone who suffers from depression or a similar ailment without having the urge to say "just suck it up." I have a lot of things I can offer up to them by way of advice or solutions, but frankly that's an egotistical urge on my part. My desire to be right and to fix things; to be logical. But that's not what they need. Listening is about accepting that what they're saying is important to THEM, regardless of how you feel about it or whether it even makes sense to you.

But don't mistake this for agreement. You don't have to agree with them. A lot of guys, when listening to a woman, make the mistake of nodding their heads like a bobble doll, pretending that everything she says makes perfect sense. It won't and it doesn't have to. It's even OK to tease her or to laugh (calibrated of course). The important thing you're doing is giving her a venue to express herself. Most people are stuck in their own heads and don't like to listen to others, so if she feels you're genuinely interested and focused on her, it will drastically set you apart from most other guys. Of course, if this is a woman you just met, you don't want to listen to her whine about her annoying neighbors. She hasn't earned that from you. But further below I'll discuss how to segue these discussions into more meaningful areas that move your connection forward.

The next valuable tactic is to be able to talk about YOUR feelings. I typically do this by telling a story. For example if a woman is talking about some problem she has with a friend, I will tell a story about a friend that I took issue with. The stories won't be the same; they may be totally different situations. That's why you have to tell the story in an emotional way. The facts of the story don't matter. What matters is how you felt in the situation and how you dealt with those feelings. You want to relate to her story on an emotional level. If she feels hurt by a friend, then you tell a story where you were hurt by a friend, even if the situations are very different. But the key part where the connection happens is where you sympathize with her and her feelings. "I know that your situation is unique, but I know what it's like to be let down. You put your trust in someone and they abuse it. But ya know, I realized that my friend didn't really do it on purpose. And I've hurt lots of people myself. Sometimes I just have to take a step back and realize that we all suck equally *laugh*, and that it's OK. For example I may accidentally hurt you, but I would care about how you feel and would hope you'd see past the surface BS. Because that's what it is; just fluff. What matters is in here *self point*." I hope you can see in in this particular example how I'm directing the conversation where I'm setting up a relationship situation.

And that brings me to my next point. These connections shouldn't just be open-ended bitchfests. They should have a direction and a purpose. If it's a friend, you may be trying to teach them something or to help them feel better. If it's a girlfriend, you may be trying to help her past the problem so you can get back to a positive place quickly (rather than ignoring her and letting her be upset the whole time you're with her). If it's a woman you've just met, this is a good opportunity to not only feel like she connects with you on a deeper level, but to let her know what kind of man you are and to build compliance on her part. But in all of these cases, you can't throw the purpose in their face in a logical way, "yeah, everyone suffers, just get over it." Neither can you be too direct about the purpose, "yeah your friend sucks, but I would never do that," (= qualifying). You have to talk about how you FEEL, and express your point indirectly by way of those feelings. If it's a new woman you're talking to, she should be able to get an impression of how you are by how you express yourself, rather than from overt statements you make.

The connection goes both ways. Meaning when you tell something about yourself or a story about you, it should be something you care about and that you had thought about. Don't bring something up with the specific purpose of illiciting values. It should be a somewhat cathartic experience for you, and she (or he) should feel that as you talk. However, try to do so in a positive way, portraying it as something you experienced, learned from, and moved on. Because if it sounds like you're still suffering, it won't help a friend feel better (unless they're a truly miserable person; but you shouldn't be friends with those) and it won't build attraction with a woman if she feels like you have baggage (again, unless she's very LSE; next). This is your chance to inspire the individual you're talking to, and to also move the conversation in a meaningful and positive direction. As you can see by my parenthesized items, this also is a good way to screen the individual. Do they respond to negativity or positivity?

You have to calibrate and scale your level of sharing. Typically I start by listening and sympathizing, then gradually I increase how much I talk. If I do it right and and express the emotions that they're feeling, they'll feel like I "get it". Plus, the more I talk, the more I can guide the conversation where I want it to go. With a PU situation, I can turn into a DHV story or a joke or an opportunity to KINO or whatever (all 3!). With a friend I can turn into a learning moment to help them move past there own issue. With a girlfriend, they'll cry and then they'll feel good. And this is the hardest part of making a connection in a seduction/relationship context. You ultimately want to be the leader, while still being empathetic and expressive. That's a tough line to walk. It means that you have to be more in control of your own feelings. It means you've ALREADY thought about all your personal demons and accepted them or even conquered them.

It starts by understanding yourself. Exploring every single aspect of your personality and your life. Too often we like to ignore things and hope they just go away. For example if we accidentally hurt a friend, we don't want to think about it. We might throw up a couple of stupid defense mechanisms like "it just happened" or "they had it coming" or whatever. But that doesn't help you feel better. And there's no way you can tell that story later without either sounding like a jerk or just sounding like someone who doesn't deal with their issues. You have to do the hard work of facing painful events in your life and choices you've made and coming to some kind of closure. It's OK that you hurt someone, we all do it. And once you accept it and learn from it, you can connect with someone who hasn't yet resolved that issue within themselves. You can talk from a place of authority and demonstrate to them that it is possible to move to a positive place from a negative experience.

As guys, when we talk with women, we often shy away from negative talk. Most PU tactics involve "fluffing away" this kind of stuff, or bulldozing through it, or making a joke about it, or just escalating to overwhelm her emotions with horniness. And there's nothing wrong with this. I'm NOT saying you should encourage everyone to get deep with you. But neither should you be scared about it. Embrace the opportunity to really connect with an individual if the opportunity arises. And with a woman you've just met, if you do get that opportunity, you can establish a powerful attraction on her part. Of course just like with any other aspect of game, there's a lot of trial and error involved. If you're not used to it, you'll fuck it up at first. Either by listening too much (being a doormat), or by talking too much, or being unable to lead the conversation into a meaningful place, etc. But with practice, you'll become a natural at expressing your feelings and appreciating them in others.

And in the end, it all comes down to helping YOU become a better you. Because we all have baggage and demons hanging over us. And no matter how many women you fuck and how much you go to the gym, or how busy you keep yourself, they won't just go away. You can bury them, cover them up with defensive mechanism (like narcissism or passive aggressiveness or codependency or whatever) but they will always be there unless you let them out into the open and battle them and defeat them. But that's what it means to be a man, to fight the demons and kill them. And then show off that carcass to others to show that it's possible to defeat it. Emotions and feelings aren't exclusively in the domain of women. If anything, you have to learn to have BETTER control over emotions than most women, if you plan on being a masculine man and a leader of people. Fight those fights and learn to win.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Reconciling Love and Seduction

Most guys, chumps and rockstar seducers both, want to have love in their lives. They want to give love or receive love; often both. Chumps typically operate with a Disney fantasy of love: "I'll meet a special woman and we'll get married and be happy forever." Many players either fuck lots of chicks in order to fill that uneasy lack of love in their lives, or with the idea that eventually they'll "settle down" after they've fucked X number of women. But even players often believe that they have to some day cave to the culturally accepted definition of love (= monogamy). Even guys who practice polyamory tend to have a "primary" (the girl they "love") and then a bunch of fuck buddies or secondary women. This is often wrapped up with an M/W complex.

The common concepts of what love is have been cooked into you since the day you were born by your family, TV, friends, and society at large. You have been exposed to the propaganda for SO LONG that these common ideals are assumed to be cosmic truths. But this is exactly the same as a person who has been trained to believe in God all their lives. For them it's an utter and complete truth that's beyond proof or logic. But the point I'm making is that everything you believe about love was programmed into you by other people. With a lot of time and hard work, it's possible to UNPROGRAM those ideas.

I don't want to be in a mono relationship, ever. I don't want kids. I tried a monogamous relationship once for the experience of it. It was "nice", but not something I want to do again. There is literally nothing from my mono days that I feel I am missing now. In fact, I am happier, healthier, and have a much richer and diverse lifestyle (hobbies, missions, people, etc.). Every single time I've ever considered monogamy in my future, I've realized that I have no need or logical reason for it. It's entirely as a result of the programming I suffered, and those instincts are so deeply ingrained that they keep cropping up, telling me that something is wrong if I don't go with the flow.

I'm not scarred; I have no lingering emotional issues that I'm suffering from (and I'm the first person to call myself out on my own bullshit). I don't hate women; I love them. I don't believe in "sluts" or "whores". I was telling a mutual friend about my most recent lay, and he made some comments about how she was "crazy" and has been with a lot of guys. I had to strongly resist laughing in his face over how irrelevant that was. I have fucked both "madonnas" and "whores", and there's zero difference between them other than a random assortment of coincidences that have made them who they are today. A couple slight differences in how my life went and I might still be a virgin today; that wouldn't make me a "better" person.

I have a fuck-ton of love in my life. From my family, from my friends, and from the women I see. And I love all of them back. I have friends who hate each other, but I love each one individually, and they fully realize that their drama has zero effect on me. They've given up on feeling offended over who I spend my time with. I love every single woman I am with, even if it's for only one night. I don't act like an aloof asshole. I don't have anything to prove. I don't "fuck and dump" women in order to punish them as a gender or something. Whether I'm with a woman for only one night, or as an FB, or in a polyamorous relationship, I love them. I'm extremely affectionate and generous. But I don't cling to women at all. Clinginess does not = love. Clinginess is about insecurity, desperation, and a LACK of love. Men with lots of love have zero fear about losing any given woman.

Love is something that you ARE. It's not something that you only have as long as someone is actively giving it to you. Likewise it's not something you have to constantly give out in order to prove to yourself that you have it. Guys who desperately seek love in the form of attention and sex (eg. narcissists), and guys who desperately throw it out for free (eg. co-dependents) both do so because they don't have it in their lives. I'm immensely positive and joyful towards the people in my life. People sometimes think I'm gay because of how over-the-top positive I am. Or if they're cynical people they may think I'm faking it to get something out of them. But the fact is that my life is an endless fountain of overflowing love. I now know intuitively that love is an infinite thing. I never have to worry about "losing" it, because it's literally impossible to do.

So when it comes to women and relationships, I make choices that fit in with my life plan and optimize my happiness. I have no interest in doing what other people say is the "right thing." More often than not though, people accept me for who I am. I suffer very little drama, because women know that shit tests just plain don't work on me. If ever I feel even SLIGHTLY unhappy in my relationship with a woman, I Next her, instantly, pure and simple. There's no confusion or emotional turmoil or drama. When I advise guys to permanently Next a woman for a minor shit test, I'm not being glib. I'm being serious as fuck. If you're posting about a relationship issue online, then you're way past the point when you should have Nexted her.

I hate reading main stream articles about love. They always talk about "challenges" and "compromise" and "accepting the bad with the good" and "working for the relationship" and all this other stupid bullshit. Basically they make the point that some amount of misery is required in order to be happy and to have love. That makes no sense to me. I challenge myself when I exercise. I challenge myself in the skills and hobbies and missions in my life. But love isn't a muscle or a skill. It's a thing that simply exists. You just have to be completely open to it.

Nearly every post I read about a guy's relationship with a woman invariably drips with fear. No matter how indifferent the guy tries to sound, you can hear the tremor in his words. "Yeah, I know I could Next her, but...." or "Well, everything is really great except...". These are guys who are scared. Scared that the woman (or women) they're with are the last ones they'll ever meet. And guys who clearly don't have loving relationships with people they aren't fucking (friends and family). If you start with zero love in your life, and then learn seduction skills, you are about 1% on the road to having a life full of love. If you have perfect relationship management skills, that's maybe 25%. Throw awesome social skills in their, that's another 25%. But unless you genuinely FEEL love for all the people in your life, and freely except it from everyone around you, you will never quite reach 100%. You will always feel like you're faking it, and like there's something lacking. And as long as you live so defensively, like you have to hide and protect what little love is in your heart, you will never allow more of it pour in.

And that's what it is: Allowing love. You have to allow it in your life. It's not "beta". You're not being a "pussy". My friends all thing I'm a huge fucking badass, despite how positive and silly I can be. Allowing love in your life doesn't make you a weaker man. I've broken concrete with my hands. I have the skill to kill someone with my hands in a few seconds. I've badly injured people in my lifetime, both physically and emotionally. I know what it feels like and I have to accept that is a part of my history. I don't feel guilty about it though. I choose not to. And despite the many many mistakes I have made and will probably continue to make, I still feel I am 100% deserved of love. You have to honestly believe that you deserve it in order to have it.

So stop worrying about what is the "right way" to live life and experience love. Stop making decisions based on fear and insecurity. Stop letting women dictate the parameters of your relationships. Stop thinking that love is only something that's experienced in the bedroom. Start believing that Love is ever-present and infinite. Start believing that you fully deserve it. Start believing that you can freely give it without ever running out. Open yourself fully to it.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Handling Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationship

I answer Vadim's question about how to handle your insecurity when the women you're dating see other guys.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Knowing and Expressing What You Want

Men suffer a lot of drama and unhappiness in their relationships by failing to understand and express what they really want!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

How to deal with breakups (or impending breakups)

How to react when she dumps you, or you feel like she will soon. This video will help keep the attraction high and keep women in your life!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

How to Express Boundaries in Relationships

In order to have a relationship that makes you lastingly happy, it's important to communicate your boundaries! This video will help.